Due to the content of this post, it would be beneficial for you to know that I'm now in a relationship with someone - someone who will fondly be referred to in my posts as 'BW'. Right. Now that you have that important bit of information, lets get this thing rolling. A couple of weeks ago I got the chance to go to the coast overnight with BW and his family. It ended up being a wonderful escape from life and a time of relaxation and restoration - just what I needed. I started struggling with some stuff regarding my sexual abuse in the afternoon of the second day we were there, and ended up hiding away in my room, processing and writing. After a while I decided to move out into the living/dining room area after realizing that everyone else had left that space. Here's my writing from that time : "God is good. As I sat by the window looking out over the bay, processing more elements of my past sexual abuse, I had a moment of, "This is going to take years to heal from, with so many obstacles along the way that my husband will have to deal with..." It seems too much to ask someone to go through with me, sometimes. I felt God try and reassure me that it wasn't too much for someone to go through with me by reminding me of BW's words during our conversation on the subject the night before. "I'm not going anywhere" I tried retorting that thought by saying that that doesn't mean anything - eventually, everyone can leave. But then God did something beautiful. I saw movement to my left and I looked over to see a little finch on the bush outside the window. Instantly, "His eye is on the sparrow, I know He watches over me" entered my mind, as well as a burst of joy and peace. If God watches over and cares for the little sparrows, how much more is He watching over and caring for me? He knows my needs, and He takes care of them. He is faithful. What a beautiful reminder. It [a finch] also goes hand-in-hand with the word "freedom" that God has given me. "Look at the birds. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren't you far more valuable to Him than they are?" Matthew 6:26 "Don't be afraid of those who want to kill your body; they cannot touch your soul. Fear only God, who can destroy both soul and body in hell. What is the price of two sparrows - one copper coin? But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows." Matthew 10:28-31" Freedom. Freedom is a word that keeps reoccurring. It's the word God has placed on my heart in regards to my and BW's relationship. It's the word that, I feel, is synonymous with forgiveness. It's the word that captures what Christ has done for me - He has set me free. I've been set free from the fear that I wouldn't be able to trust a man enough to enter into an intentional relationship. I've been set free from the fear that I would never feel safe in the confines of a romantic relationship. I've been set free from the lie that I haven't a voice. I've been set free from the lie that I'm not worth it/have little value. I've been set free from the lie and identity that I am a burden and annoyance. I've been set free from the fear that has crippled me for so many years, and the lies that have consumed me for an equal amount of time. I've been set free -which means that though I still struggle with some of those things at times, I'm no longer enslaved by them. I need only trust God in His truth, and walk in the freedom from those things that He has given me with His sacrifice and His truth. Which is easier said than done sometimes. I still struggle with some of those things. Particularly, recently, that I'm a burden and an annoyance because it's a subject that keeps coming up. Triggers keep happening, reactions keep happening, and it all comes back to the same thing. BW has been an instrumental part in this process. God continues to use him as a way of speaking truth to me and reminding me of His promises. He [BW] continuously amazes me with his patience (and more so, that he doesn't even find patience necessary), understanding, and interest in learning and understanding me more. He spoke some pretty solid truth to me one night, after I had mentioned that feeling I had of being a burden. "You're not a burden that I have to deal with, with all your "issues". It's part of the joy of this journey of knowing you" Those words echoed in my mind the following weeks, and I really just want to echo those words to pretty much everyone out there - especially others who have been through some form of abuse. We're not burdens. We might have more to deal with, and some things just might have to look differently for us - but we're not burdens. Our stories are beautiful, and they're a part of who we are. They don't define who we are, but they help shape us into who we are today. And to those who understand that and roll with it, I thank you. Our churches college group does something together every Thursday night (we call it SubU). We mix it up each week, but the Thursday following the trip to the coast was different. The majority of the time was spent just doing what we felt led to - reading the Word, praying over someone with them, talking with someone, singing, dancing, etc. There was a station there where we could draw, write, or sketch attributes of God and who He is on pieces of paper (at least, I'm pretty sure that's what it was. I was a little preoccupied to be honest, because that sounded exactly like what I needed). I ended up spending my whole time there and drawing/writing on the equivalent of 3 pieces of paper. Now, I'm not my sister - I'm not an artist when it comes to drawing or sketching things. But I'm a visual person, and I wanted to spend that time putting onto paper a piece of the visual that God had given me the week prior; the visual of freedom. And so, I drew a little finch. God is so faithful to provide just what we need when we put our trust in Him - whether that be with food, or visuals of truth to help in the healing process.
Now, for this forgiveness piece. A large part of that freedom that I talked about has come through forgiveness. Remember that friend I mentioned in the other post - the sexual abuse survivor? During the same time that my past sexual abuse came to light, she and my mum (who happen to be good friends) and I had an extended time of prayer. In that time of prayer I forgave those who had played a part in my abuse. And you know what? It was a relief. Being able to let go of the wrong and evil that was done to me and just, well, be free from it. I know forgiveness is something that I'll have to do over and over again as time goes on, since it's usually not just a one time thing, and I've already caught myself on multiple occasions feeling rather bitter when I see one of the guys that was involved. But then I'm reminded of God's grace and forgiveness, and I choose to forgive again. There's something beautiful in that, I think. Extending forgiveness and grace to someone over & over again. It's a picture of what God does for us on a daily basis. We constantly mess up and act against Him, yet He is always ready to pour out His forgiveness and grace over us. Who are we not to do the same? There's a strength to that. A strength that by no means comes from me. I'm the one that harbors the bitterness in the first place . . . It reminds me of Matthew 18:21-35. Actually, lets be real, it reminds me of an Adventures in Odyssey episode ("BTW: Forgiveness, case #32, Hidden Treasures, to be precise). But part of that episode was about this set of verses, so it's basically the same thing. "Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven! “Therefore, the Kingdom of Heaven can be compared to a king who decided to bring his accounts up to date with servants who had borrowed money from him. In the process, one of his debtors was brought in who owed him millions of dollars. He couldn’t pay, so his master ordered that he be sold — along with his wife, his children, and everything he owned — to pay the debt. “But the man fell down before his master and begged him, ‘Please, be patient with me, and I will pay it all.’ Then his master was filled with pity for him, and he released him and forgave his debt. “But when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars. He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment. “His fellow servant fell down before him and begged for a little more time. ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it,’ he pleaded. But his creditor wouldn’t wait. He had the man arrested and put in prison until the debt could be paid in full. “When some of the other servants saw this, they were very upset. They went to the king and told him everything that had happened. Then the king called in the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me. Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’ Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt." How backwards is it for us to want forgiveness and yet deny others that same grace? Even if someone doesn't deserve it, or isn't sorry about what they've done, being able to extend forgiveness anyways . . . there's something sweet about it.
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This has been an interesting Summer. It's been full of adventures, exciting new endeavors, friends, crossing things off my bucket list, lots of growth, lots of laughter, and lots of joy. But it's also been an eye-opening one for me in many ways. If you've read any of my previous posts (aside from my TBT posts perhaps), you know that I'm someone who loves truth. I love that moment when you can see a lie for what it is, and discover where it came from; the root of the lie, if you will. And then from there, seeing all of the different roots that stem from that one lie, and see all of the different ways that it's impacted your life. It's hard to walk and heal in the truth without first recognizing the lies that you've been believing. It's usually quite a relieving feeling, finally seeing whats been causing so many fears and lies. Kind of like a large load has been lifted off your back. I love it. I had a different experience with that this Summer. I've spent hours trying to figure out just what to write. There are so many different facets that I could talk about, it's overwhelming. So I'm just going to keep it short and simple for your sake, and for mine. For the past few years I've had an underlying feeling that I was missing something - something that would explain a lot of things that didn't add up. This Summer I found out that I was sexually abused when I was seven. So many things make sense now. So many. I thought it would be a relief to find out what it is that has caused so much trouble in my life, and in a way it was a relief. What's been burdening me has a name. But I didn't expect all of the weight and reality that came with it. I'm learning that sometimes, before there can be transparency, there has to be some amount of healing. This has been one of the main things that I've been dealing with recently. I haven't written much because (aside from being busy) I've been healing, and I couldn't do so openly. But I think my private healing has now turned into hiding, and it's time to start healing in a different way. In the book I'm reading, "On the Threshold of Hope", it talks about the different stages of healing from sexual abuse, and how it's normal for abuse victims to pretend that it didn't happen as a means of self-defense. And by golly, am I good at doing that; telling myself that it didn't happen or that it's no big deal. But it's time to move past that (though I know I'll revert back to it often during this process), and things always feel more real when you verbalize them. Which, I suppose, is a big part of why I haven't wanted to write about it. I don't want it to be real . . . There are two lies through all of this that I'll share this time. One is that it's no big deal. It doesn't make much of a difference. Most (if not all) of my sexual abuse was verbal. Because of this, I've struggled with feeling like I can call myself a victim of sexual abuse. When I hear "sexual abuse" I think of worst case scenarios of women being beaten and raped, not things being verbalized to a little girl. I really struggle with feeling justified with how I feel at times. But then I think of all of the ways that it's affected me; all of the fears and lies that have so deeply impacted the way that I see things. All of the roots that are entangled. There's no denying that it's done a lot of damage in my life, and quite honestly, I'm amazed at the extent of impact that it's had in my life. When I don't think about terminology, and just focus on how its affected me, I feel broken, damaged, a burden, voiceless, terrified, exposed, ashamed, unsafe, and so much more. I'm aware of many of the affects that verbal sexual abuse can have, it's calling it by name that gets to me. Talking with a psychology major friend, and a survivor of sexual abuse has helped a lot. Both verbalized that abuse is abuse. Verbal abuse can have the same psychological effects as physical abuse (acknowledging that there is a difference). Acknowledging that verbal sexual abuse isn't a little thing has been hard for me to grasp fully at times. And some old familiar lies start creeping in again. I can hear the voices of those telling me that it's not a big deal. I can hear those who've suffered and experienced worst telling me that it's not actually sexual abuse - again, that it's not a big deal. But again, I think back to what my mum, my psychology friend, and my survivor of sexual abuse friend said : Abuse is abuse. The second lie is one that is a result of the abuse that I suffered; one that I've believed for far too long : I don't have a voice. That what I say doesn't matter; that I'm powerless. This is a lie that has been cultivated over the years by many things, but I think the weight of it stems from my abuse. It's brought so much fear into my heart and has played a significant role in the lie of being worthless and of little value. I can't verbalize the fear that comes from "no" not meaning no, or "stop" not meaning stop. Even in jest, when it's meant to be funny or lighthearted. It makes me feel vulnerable, powerless, unsafe, unheard, out of control, and of no value or concern. This blog has been a way that God has helped restore the truth that I do have a voice. I was so hesitant to even consider starting it because I didn't think my thoughts or what I had to say mattered. But so many people have made such encouraging comments to me about it, and it surprises and blesses me every time. And the ironic thing is, because of my sexual abuse, a few days later my voice ended up saving the life of a little girl who was being physically sexually abused. God is good. I love that He can take terrible situations and produce such beauty in them - like help for the hopeless. Anyways, that's all I can say for now. There's a song that keeps coming to my mind the past couple of weeks. "Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns has always been one of my favorites, but it seems to have developed a new significance in my life. "The voice of truth tells me a different story. The voice of truth says do not be afraid. And the voice of truth says, "this is for my glory". Out of all the voices calling out to me, I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth" Abuse is abuse. I have a voice. The piece of paper in the picture above was given to me by a friend who had no idea what I have been struggling with. It's been a reminder for me over the past few weeks, and especially now, as I share a part of my story that's hard for me to share. I love seeing how God works so specifically through people, especially when they don't realize it :) (also, in case anyone was wondering, I would like to add the disclaimer that my sexual abuser was NOT any member of my family) Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in Onto the crashing waves To step out of my comfort zone To the realm of the unknown where Jesus is And He's holding out his hand But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed The waves they keep on telling me Time and time again, "Boy, you'll never win!" "You'll never win" But the voice of truth tells me a different story And the voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!" And the voice of truth says, "This is for My glory" Out of all the voices calling out to me I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth Oh what I would do to have The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant With just a Sling and a stone Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors Shaking in their armor Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed The giant keeps on telling me Time and time again, "Boy, you'll never win!" "You'll never win" But the voice of truth tells me a different story And the voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!" And the voice of truth says, "This is for My glory" Out of all the voices calling out to me (Calling out to me) I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth But the stone was just the right size To put the giant on the ground And the waves they don't seem so high From on top of them looking down I will soar with the wings of eagles When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus Singing over me But the voice of truth tells me a different story And the voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!" And the voice of truth says, "This is for My glory" Out of all the voices calling out to me I will choose to listen and believe I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth I will listen and believe I will listen and believe the voice of truth I will listen and believe Because Jesus you are the voice of truth And I will listen to you You are... |
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