Due to the content of this post, it would be beneficial for you to know that I'm now in a relationship with someone - someone who will fondly be referred to in my posts as 'BW'. Right. Now that you have that important bit of information, lets get this thing rolling. A couple of weeks ago I got the chance to go to the coast overnight with BW and his family. It ended up being a wonderful escape from life and a time of relaxation and restoration - just what I needed. I started struggling with some stuff regarding my sexual abuse in the afternoon of the second day we were there, and ended up hiding away in my room, processing and writing. After a while I decided to move out into the living/dining room area after realizing that everyone else had left that space. Here's my writing from that time : "God is good. As I sat by the window looking out over the bay, processing more elements of my past sexual abuse, I had a moment of, "This is going to take years to heal from, with so many obstacles along the way that my husband will have to deal with..." It seems too much to ask someone to go through with me, sometimes. I felt God try and reassure me that it wasn't too much for someone to go through with me by reminding me of BW's words during our conversation on the subject the night before. "I'm not going anywhere" I tried retorting that thought by saying that that doesn't mean anything - eventually, everyone can leave. But then God did something beautiful. I saw movement to my left and I looked over to see a little finch on the bush outside the window. Instantly, "His eye is on the sparrow, I know He watches over me" entered my mind, as well as a burst of joy and peace. If God watches over and cares for the little sparrows, how much more is He watching over and caring for me? He knows my needs, and He takes care of them. He is faithful. What a beautiful reminder. It [a finch] also goes hand-in-hand with the word "freedom" that God has given me. "Look at the birds. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren't you far more valuable to Him than they are?" Matthew 6:26 "Don't be afraid of those who want to kill your body; they cannot touch your soul. Fear only God, who can destroy both soul and body in hell. What is the price of two sparrows - one copper coin? But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows." Matthew 10:28-31" Freedom. Freedom is a word that keeps reoccurring. It's the word God has placed on my heart in regards to my and BW's relationship. It's the word that, I feel, is synonymous with forgiveness. It's the word that captures what Christ has done for me - He has set me free. I've been set free from the fear that I wouldn't be able to trust a man enough to enter into an intentional relationship. I've been set free from the fear that I would never feel safe in the confines of a romantic relationship. I've been set free from the lie that I haven't a voice. I've been set free from the lie that I'm not worth it/have little value. I've been set free from the lie and identity that I am a burden and annoyance. I've been set free from the fear that has crippled me for so many years, and the lies that have consumed me for an equal amount of time. I've been set free -which means that though I still struggle with some of those things at times, I'm no longer enslaved by them. I need only trust God in His truth, and walk in the freedom from those things that He has given me with His sacrifice and His truth. Which is easier said than done sometimes. I still struggle with some of those things. Particularly, recently, that I'm a burden and an annoyance because it's a subject that keeps coming up. Triggers keep happening, reactions keep happening, and it all comes back to the same thing. BW has been an instrumental part in this process. God continues to use him as a way of speaking truth to me and reminding me of His promises. He [BW] continuously amazes me with his patience (and more so, that he doesn't even find patience necessary), understanding, and interest in learning and understanding me more. He spoke some pretty solid truth to me one night, after I had mentioned that feeling I had of being a burden. "You're not a burden that I have to deal with, with all your "issues". It's part of the joy of this journey of knowing you" Those words echoed in my mind the following weeks, and I really just want to echo those words to pretty much everyone out there - especially others who have been through some form of abuse. We're not burdens. We might have more to deal with, and some things just might have to look differently for us - but we're not burdens. Our stories are beautiful, and they're a part of who we are. They don't define who we are, but they help shape us into who we are today. And to those who understand that and roll with it, I thank you. Our churches college group does something together every Thursday night (we call it SubU). We mix it up each week, but the Thursday following the trip to the coast was different. The majority of the time was spent just doing what we felt led to - reading the Word, praying over someone with them, talking with someone, singing, dancing, etc. There was a station there where we could draw, write, or sketch attributes of God and who He is on pieces of paper (at least, I'm pretty sure that's what it was. I was a little preoccupied to be honest, because that sounded exactly like what I needed). I ended up spending my whole time there and drawing/writing on the equivalent of 3 pieces of paper. Now, I'm not my sister - I'm not an artist when it comes to drawing or sketching things. But I'm a visual person, and I wanted to spend that time putting onto paper a piece of the visual that God had given me the week prior; the visual of freedom. And so, I drew a little finch. God is so faithful to provide just what we need when we put our trust in Him - whether that be with food, or visuals of truth to help in the healing process.
Now, for this forgiveness piece. A large part of that freedom that I talked about has come through forgiveness. Remember that friend I mentioned in the other post - the sexual abuse survivor? During the same time that my past sexual abuse came to light, she and my mum (who happen to be good friends) and I had an extended time of prayer. In that time of prayer I forgave those who had played a part in my abuse. And you know what? It was a relief. Being able to let go of the wrong and evil that was done to me and just, well, be free from it. I know forgiveness is something that I'll have to do over and over again as time goes on, since it's usually not just a one time thing, and I've already caught myself on multiple occasions feeling rather bitter when I see one of the guys that was involved. But then I'm reminded of God's grace and forgiveness, and I choose to forgive again. There's something beautiful in that, I think. Extending forgiveness and grace to someone over & over again. It's a picture of what God does for us on a daily basis. We constantly mess up and act against Him, yet He is always ready to pour out His forgiveness and grace over us. Who are we not to do the same? There's a strength to that. A strength that by no means comes from me. I'm the one that harbors the bitterness in the first place . . . It reminds me of Matthew 18:21-35. Actually, lets be real, it reminds me of an Adventures in Odyssey episode ("BTW: Forgiveness, case #32, Hidden Treasures, to be precise). But part of that episode was about this set of verses, so it's basically the same thing. "Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven! “Therefore, the Kingdom of Heaven can be compared to a king who decided to bring his accounts up to date with servants who had borrowed money from him. In the process, one of his debtors was brought in who owed him millions of dollars. He couldn’t pay, so his master ordered that he be sold — along with his wife, his children, and everything he owned — to pay the debt. “But the man fell down before his master and begged him, ‘Please, be patient with me, and I will pay it all.’ Then his master was filled with pity for him, and he released him and forgave his debt. “But when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars. He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment. “His fellow servant fell down before him and begged for a little more time. ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it,’ he pleaded. But his creditor wouldn’t wait. He had the man arrested and put in prison until the debt could be paid in full. “When some of the other servants saw this, they were very upset. They went to the king and told him everything that had happened. Then the king called in the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me. Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’ Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt." How backwards is it for us to want forgiveness and yet deny others that same grace? Even if someone doesn't deserve it, or isn't sorry about what they've done, being able to extend forgiveness anyways . . . there's something sweet about it.
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