I really need to be better about this whole blog thing. Therefore, I have decided to do Throwback Thursdays - blog style! I have way too many stories of ridiculousness to keep to myself. Let's start with one of my favorites, shall we?
So my family & I just got to IKEA (we love that place), and after the long-ish drive, bladders needed to be relieved. So my sister & I walked into the bathroom together, her in one stall, I in another (obviously). I looked down and could see my sisters infamous American Eagle brown leather flip-flops in the stall next to me. So, naturally, I reached under the stall and grabbed her ankle. She jerked her foot away, made an odd noise, nothing out of the ordinary for this family. I finished my business and went to wash my hands, and waited for her to come out of the stall. It was taking longer than I thought it would, I mean, you can only pee so much, right? So I called her name, asking her if she was almost done, while looking straight ahead at the stall she was in. From my right I heard her response. I realized then that it was not, in fact, my sisters ankle I grabbed underneath the bathroom stall. I burst out laughing and left the bathroom, hoping this poor lady didn't get any glimpse of me. Every time I see someone in the stall next to me now, I giggle a wee bit to myself.
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Therapy. It's such a calm word. Whenever I hear it I think of spa days, with facial masks, manicures, pedicures, the cucumber on the eyes deal, towel on the head, lotion, etc. But, I really don't enjoy that - at all. And it makes me break out and have horrible reactions, so that's not what therapy is to me. I've found many different things that are therapeutic to me. 1.) There's dancing. Always dancing. It's not only therapeutic, but it takes away physical pain as well. 2.) There's the good old-fashioned punching bag. Nothing like blowing off steam & releasing stress like releasing a good right hook or round house kick.... without actually hurting anyone. 3.) There's the really good conversations with really good, solid friends. 4.) There's kittens. Nice kittens. 5.) There's the good movie, lights dimmed, with really good food & drink. And then there's 6.) a hot bath....... with wonderful smelling candles that make delightful smell babies....... and time with God. No agenda, nothing specific to talk about, sometimes no talking at all, but just time with God. In really, really, really warm water. Hot, you might call it. Hot water that relieves radiating nerve pain for a short while. So delightful. And much needed. You know you're doing it right when after you're done, you share the same complexion as a Flamin' Hot & Crunchy Cheeto. A lovely end to the day :)
Let's stop for a minute and think about this beautiful reminder: God is the God of simple joy. He created the universe, and intricately designed & formed every part of our being; He is all-knowing & all-powerful, in full control of everything. He is the judge of all the earth; He is our Father, sitting on His throne in heaven. And He is the creator of just simple joy. He's the one who created laughter, and happiness, and dancing, and singing - though those who know me know that joy and singing don't really go together when I'm the one doing the singing. He laughs with us. The creator of the universe LAUGHS with us. Not at us, WITH us. How neat is that?! I can't even tell you how many times I've felt Him laughing with me. He laughs with me when I run into walls, when I get giddy over something He does, when I tell Him seriously & dramatically that I don't want to be attractive to guys and then realize what I just said, when I trip over myself, when I realize something that's suuuper obvious & I'm just spacing, when I tell Him something that's just ridiculous, when I'm freaking out over something ridiculous, and many, many more things. He delights in our moments of laughter together. And He delights in the moments that I share the joy He has given me with Him. I love that He delights in that. This morning I was able to spend time with Him, with the whole house to myself. And during the last part of the morning, I blasted my music, and we danced together, smiled together, laughed together. It was a joyous morning :) Part of my playlist from this morning :)
"The best thing a man can do for a woman is to love God more than her." Yesterday was Valentines Day. I suppose I should hit on that subject, right? I spent the day on a lovely date with God, doing the typical stuff I assume one does on a date. Went to a thrift store, ate tacos, drank a smoothie, and watched Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol. 'Twas lovely. I noticed that quite a few people posted about it being Singles Awareness Day (which it isn't, by the way. It's the next day, on the 15th), or S.A.D. as some people call it. I never really got that... I've always, for the most part, enjoyed being single. Part of that is because my image of what a relationship looks like was tainted for most of my life, and it wasn't until last year that God gave me a healthy image as to what a godly relationship looks like. And I suppose another part of it is that for the past most of my life I've just been complacent. I really have no strong desire for a relationship. I'm really not a romantic person, and I like that I don't have to deal with any of that. I like that I don't have to deal with all of the complexities that come with relationships. I like that I don't have to worry about someone constantly getting in my space (I'm super anal about my space and alone time). This complacency is also something that God worked on in me last year. And while a relationship is still not something that I strongly desire, He's softened my heart to the possibility that some day it may be in His will for me to enter a relationship with someone. The poor sucker, haha. I feel like what God is doing now, with all of the fear conquering and growth, shaping & molding that He's doing, He's preparing me for such an adventure. And if not that kind of adventure, than something else. Over the past year or so, God has been showing me what I would want & need if I was ever to enter that adventure with someone. I found this out: it is going to have to be one freaking heck of a special dude to be my partner in crime - or in life. Both, really. He won't have to deal with the typical things that most females deal with, but he'll definitely have challenges to face. The two main ones being food/health stuff and spiritual warfare. The only way I could marry someone is if he went off of the same foods that I can't eat, particularly those that I'm intolerant to, those of which being gluten, casein, and soy. There can be no traces of those foods in his diet - at all. I'm not marrying someone so they can make me sick. As for spiritual warfare... it's becoming more clear that I don't think I would be able to spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn't understand or acknowledge the realities and terror of spiritual warfare. Someone who has been through similar experiences as me, and knows how to battle such things, and how to provide the much needed comfort during them. Yep. And while I feel rather ridiculous posting these, I do so not as something for people to look at and see if they qualify (I really can't imagine anyone doing that anyway), but as a gesture of openness & realness. These are what God put on my heart last year when He was softening it. Doesn't get much more open & real than this... =b "A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her." I'm finding that I get a lot of joy out of what a lot of people would find to be insignificant things. I already knew this about myself, but it seems to have grown. I really realized this when I got new socks. I'm not entirely sure there's a way to express the kind of excitement I got from my new socks. They're not special socks; they're typical, little boy ankle socks. Puma, to be precise. A black set and a white set. But they're new socks! I love new socks! They make me giddy.
As I discover more about myself and who God is shaping me into, I'm finding that I really enjoy this gift of joy that He has given me. Whether it be with new socks, dancing to Call Me Maybe with my cat, finding the piece of a puzzle that I need, seeing a llama, noticing growth in people, seeing God's hand in the face of spiritual warfare, encouraging others, fake Batman tattoos, or pulling up to a green light, I keep noticing an ever present joy in me. I like it. It reminds me of my sister. She's known for her contagious joy & abundance of sunshineyness. And while we find/express our joy in different forms & ways (though not all the time), I like that I can resemble her in that way :) My goal is to not stifle this joy that God has given me, but to share it - even if it means looking like a complete fool in the process. Which, isn't that difficult for me, so it shouldn't be that difficult of a task, right? "By His divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know Him, the one who called us to Himself by means of His marvelous glory & excellence." 2 Peter 1:3
The subject of testimonies have come about recently, and while I’ve posted mine on a separate blog project recently, I figured if I’m going to have a blog on my life you should know my story. Or part of it at least. Possibly the most important part, considering… well, you’ll see why. I became a christian when I was 4 years old (don't remember it at all) and grew up in an amazing christian family. I attended church every Sunday, volunteered in the children’s ministry as a small group leader for 2nd grade boys (best.group.ever.) for 7 years, went through all the motions of Christianity, and about six years ago I almost killed myself. Up until 7th or 8th grade (I don’t remember which year exactly) it was more of a religion than a relationship to me, though I knew He was real and loved me, etc, etc. In 7th grade (I think?) I reconnected with a friend I had in elementary school. She had claimed to be a Christian, but her life & words didn't reflect it. She was a big influence to me (being one of my only friends at the time) and her negative words & humor were wearing at times. Satan had used a lot of her words as poison against me (unbeknownst to her), and his lies hit deep in my heart. Through hers & others' words, Satan had the perfect opportunity to take me down - and he did. I didn't remember any of this until about two years ago, it had been completely blocked from my memory. The image I always get in my head is him grabbing me by the ankle & dragging me down to him, in his presence (which is not a fun place to be, I might add). I went through about 2 years of depression, during which time I was suicidal. I can’t remember very much about what happened during that time - it’s blocked from my memory - but I remember a few things: I remember basically giving up on God, and because of that, experiencing the unbearable feeling of being completely isolated & alone; separated from God, and unable to feel His presence. No one knew that I battled that, until about two years ago. And even in explaining what happened, no one could ever know the extent of what I went through – I still don’t realize the full extent of it at times. I remember the overwhelming lies of being worthless, hopeless, and a burden to those around me. I remember going over all of the possible ways to kill myself; hanging, drowning, knife, pills, and gun were what dominated my thoughts (by God's goodness we didn't own a gun, or I wouldn't be here). I remember not being able to cut onions, because whenever I held the butcher knife I was overwhelmed with temptation to cut my throat, and that wasn't how I wanted to go. There were times I had to stay out of the kitchen completely because of it. I remember holding a handful of pills in my hand. A split second away from taking them God intervened and stopped me, though I didn’t realize it was Him at the time. And lastly, I remember laying curled up in the shower, sobbing because I had completely hit rock bottom. My options and chances to kill myself grew less efficient, there was seemingly no escape to what was happening, and I couldn’t take it anymore. Here's the thing: even if I reached the point of not wanting to kill myself, I was still constantly be taunted and tempted to do it. There's no way I can describe it, but it's overwhelming and horrifying; demons are real and I was very much in their presence. As a last resort, I gave it up to God and let Him try to fix it. That was the last thing I remember from that time, everything else resulted in healing, growth, and establishing my relationship with Him. I had real faith after that, and I came out not with a religion, but a relationship. I didn’t realize it until about two years ago, but because of all that I went through, I know the true meaning of grace. Had God not intervened, I wouldn’t have had that opportunity, or any other opportunity that He has blessed me with since. And had all of that not happened, I wouldn't be nearly as strong as I am today. I felt guilty & ashamed that it didn't take much to break me, but I'm finding that that's often the case with people who aren't firmly founded in Christ - the enemy has a powerful hold on them, but not one that God can't break. The more solid your faith & relationship with God, the harder it is to break you. This next part I remember more clearly, as it happened almost 2 years ago. It was during this time that I began remembering & uncovering all that had happened seven years ago. I had gone and seen a movie with a youth group called To Save A Life (fantastic movie), which was about teen suicide and hearing & listening to the cries around us, and being Christ’s agent in in reaching out to them. I remember feeling pretty strongly towards it, but I linked that more with my, at that time, significant other, who was recently (before we met) suicidal & still dealt with depression at times. We broke up less than a month later, and during that time I started, through a lot of prayer, remembering more of what had happened to me seven years ago. I had told 2 of my closest friends about that time, and some pretty cool things came of it. Through the next 3 or so months I uncovered more and more of what had happened, and discovered how powerfully God worked during that time, and all He had done through it. Because of that, Satan was super angry, and during those 3 months I went through constant spiritual warfare; as great, if not greater, than what I went through seven years ago. I wasn’t suicidal, however, though Satan tried tempting me in that way several times. Because I had a more solid faith this time around, it went very differently. But I was completely spiritually & emotionally exhausted for those 3 months. All energy was being used to defend against the enemy, and it was beginning to wear on me. From the beginning I started to have little anxiety attacks, during which I had more difficulty breathing, resulting in my body jerking forward trying to breath. I battled through more depression as well, as the enemy used what had happened seven years ago to condemn me. Towards the end all I would do was sit in my closet, listen to music that applied to that time in my life & what I was going through, pray, and try to breath. Listening to that music towards the end wasn’t the wisest of things to do, as it was no longer an encouragement for what God had done, but instead became a way for Satan to condemn me and pull me down, just a little at a time. I had grown so tired in every sense of the word, that I was about done. Because I was so ready to be done, I think I inadvertently tried to take away God’s control, and take it upon myself to end things. That worked out super well. During the last week of this battle, things grew a bit more severe. I didn’t want to go anywhere, I had absolutely no energy (part of that was because I was also in a huge health battle), and I spent more time in my closet, listening to music, praying, and jerking for breath. The last day of this I remember the clearest. Throughout the span of the day I had done the closet routine 3-4 separate times, and was then so exhausted & weighed down that I was in tears most of that day. Something to know about me: I can’t/don’t cry. Part of the reason being cause I hardened my heart after everything happened seven years ago (God's been working on that), and I'm just not emotional. I have to be super tired, my blood sugar usually has to be low, and I have to be completely overwhelmed to do so. And even then, it’s short lived and un-releasing. During the last hour or so of this things were unbearably heavy. That feeling of being overwhelmed and taunted & tempted by Satan and his demons, while they shouted their lies was ever present. God gave me another boost of strength & truth, which carried me through the battle and helped me rise above all that I had been struggling over. I was finally coming out of the battle that I had been in for months, and Satan was not happy. As a final push and last resort, he sent a powerful demon my way, or maybe it was him himself, I don’t know. But whatever it was, I could physically feel it screaming inches from my face, demanding that I kill myself. I officially lost it at that point, surrendered it all to God, and cast it out in His name. Unsurpassing peace flooded over me the second it had left. I could physically feel God’s arms wrapped around me directly after that. Through all that, God taught me what grace is, what it means to truly rely & depend on Him, how to have peace & trust in Him, and give Him control. I've developed a passion for words & people being aware of how they can affect people, I've realized a love of hearing peoples testimonies & seeing how God has worked in their lives (no matter how small it may seem), I've discovered a love of listening to people talk about what they're going through (and giving feedback if the time calls for it), I've become a prayer warrior, truth speaker & spiritual warfare veteran as me mum & I say, and I've formed beautiful scars that are a reminder of God's truth. I'm reminded every day of what God has done in my life - through flashbacks of demons, or straight up demon encounters/attacks - and I'm reminded of how powerful & wonderful He really is. God has blessed me with reminders for me every day; whenever I hear a train whistle, or see a Camaro, or pass a llama, I'm reminded of His promises & love for me. I still face & deal with a lot of spiritual warfare, but God has been doing amazing things through it all. " 16 He reached down from heaven and rescued me; He drew me out of deep waters. 17 He delivered me from my powerful enemies, from those who hated me and were too strong for me. 18 They attacked me at a moment when I was weakest, but the Lord upheld me. 19 He led me to a place of safety; He rescued me because He delights in me." - Psalm 18:16-19 An ornament that I made when I was six. I found it this year as mum was sorting through all of the ornaments. Made me teary-eyed. My six year old self knew what's up.
"These trials will show that your faith is genuine. it is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold - though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world." - 1 Peter 1:6-7 So, it’s amazing how the enemy can use discouragement against you, and God can use to same discouragement to help you grow. Silly Satan, God always wins!
I’m not going to go into a lot of details, because when I think about it it drags me back to a really discouraged state and God has to remind me of things all over again. But basically, I went in to see my Osteopath yesterday, to continue to get my spine and pelvis and sacrum and hips realigned to where they should be, and to ask him some questions about some more physical issues that have come about recently. He had a resident in with him this time. I mentioned some of the issues that have been occurring recently, and stuff about my back as well, and his resident answered almost all of my questions. She doesn’t know my background with things, and just about everything that she said that would help strengthen my back & the other issues that I have, are the very same things that make them worst. I can’t even describe how discouraging that was, and other stuff just piled up with it. Usually I bounce back pretty quick (I’ve been called one of the most resilient people ever met), but I couldn’t bounce back from this. Like, I was down for the rest of the day, until evening came. Part of it was because my blood pressure was super low (98/40) and I was exhausted, and didn’t really have energy to combat it. I really just wanted to quit. But, through that, God really reminded me that, 1) I’m not in control, and 2) I don’t need to be. He had to remind me several times that He’s got this, and He’s in control and it’s okay. I still kept trying to problem solve, and looking for ways to take action to get physically unbroken. There was this one point when I was standing over the sink washing my hands, and I said, “God, I want to stop being physically broken”. And He very calmly, and very clearly responded, “You don’t need to be physically healed; that’s not what I have for you right now”. Boom. That’s it. He continued to remind me that I don’t need to worry or stress or try to take control over that, because He’s in control & that’s not what He has for me right now. He has a much, much better plan in mind than what I think I do. He’s going to use this for Him and for His glory. And He has already. I mean, I have more time now, because I can’t do a lot of things, to just spend with Him, and spend with His people. I wouldn’t utilize my time like that if I could do physical activities – I didn’t. I danced, that’s what I did. And it broke me, and God allowed me more time to focus on & be with Him, and I just need to remember that, and thank Him for that. It was a lovely, lovely reminder that God’s got this. And He’s holding me in His hands. And I don’t need to be fixed right now; ‘tis not His timing. So why not continue to glorify Him in my state of physical brokenness. He also super blessed me by ending my day with awesome people and a good movie. and laughter. tons & tons of well needed laughter. Also, a little shout out to God: part of the reason I was so discouraged was because we were almost completely out of veggies. Which, doesn’t really sound like a big deal. Just go to the store and buy some more, right? Not that easy. We can only get our veggies from a certain farm (that’s like 2 hours away) because of all of our food issues, and we didn’t know if they had anything left. But praise God! Ada (dad) drove up and they had some veggies! And he’s going to go up in 2 weeks and get lugs of more! Go God! You are my provider <3 |
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