This has been an interesting Summer. It's been full of adventures, exciting new endeavors, friends, crossing things off my bucket list, lots of growth, lots of laughter, and lots of joy. But it's also been an eye-opening one for me in many ways. If you've read any of my previous posts (aside from my TBT posts perhaps), you know that I'm someone who loves truth. I love that moment when you can see a lie for what it is, and discover where it came from; the root of the lie, if you will. And then from there, seeing all of the different roots that stem from that one lie, and see all of the different ways that it's impacted your life. It's hard to walk and heal in the truth without first recognizing the lies that you've been believing. It's usually quite a relieving feeling, finally seeing whats been causing so many fears and lies. Kind of like a large load has been lifted off your back. I love it. I had a different experience with that this Summer. I've spent hours trying to figure out just what to write. There are so many different facets that I could talk about, it's overwhelming. So I'm just going to keep it short and simple for your sake, and for mine. For the past few years I've had an underlying feeling that I was missing something - something that would explain a lot of things that didn't add up. This Summer I found out that I was sexually abused when I was seven. So many things make sense now. So many. I thought it would be a relief to find out what it is that has caused so much trouble in my life, and in a way it was a relief. What's been burdening me has a name. But I didn't expect all of the weight and reality that came with it. I'm learning that sometimes, before there can be transparency, there has to be some amount of healing. This has been one of the main things that I've been dealing with recently. I haven't written much because (aside from being busy) I've been healing, and I couldn't do so openly. But I think my private healing has now turned into hiding, and it's time to start healing in a different way. In the book I'm reading, "On the Threshold of Hope", it talks about the different stages of healing from sexual abuse, and how it's normal for abuse victims to pretend that it didn't happen as a means of self-defense. And by golly, am I good at doing that; telling myself that it didn't happen or that it's no big deal. But it's time to move past that (though I know I'll revert back to it often during this process), and things always feel more real when you verbalize them. Which, I suppose, is a big part of why I haven't wanted to write about it. I don't want it to be real . . . There are two lies through all of this that I'll share this time. One is that it's no big deal. It doesn't make much of a difference. Most (if not all) of my sexual abuse was verbal. Because of this, I've struggled with feeling like I can call myself a victim of sexual abuse. When I hear "sexual abuse" I think of worst case scenarios of women being beaten and raped, not things being verbalized to a little girl. I really struggle with feeling justified with how I feel at times. But then I think of all of the ways that it's affected me; all of the fears and lies that have so deeply impacted the way that I see things. All of the roots that are entangled. There's no denying that it's done a lot of damage in my life, and quite honestly, I'm amazed at the extent of impact that it's had in my life. When I don't think about terminology, and just focus on how its affected me, I feel broken, damaged, a burden, voiceless, terrified, exposed, ashamed, unsafe, and so much more. I'm aware of many of the affects that verbal sexual abuse can have, it's calling it by name that gets to me. Talking with a psychology major friend, and a survivor of sexual abuse has helped a lot. Both verbalized that abuse is abuse. Verbal abuse can have the same psychological effects as physical abuse (acknowledging that there is a difference). Acknowledging that verbal sexual abuse isn't a little thing has been hard for me to grasp fully at times. And some old familiar lies start creeping in again. I can hear the voices of those telling me that it's not a big deal. I can hear those who've suffered and experienced worst telling me that it's not actually sexual abuse - again, that it's not a big deal. But again, I think back to what my mum, my psychology friend, and my survivor of sexual abuse friend said : Abuse is abuse. The second lie is one that is a result of the abuse that I suffered; one that I've believed for far too long : I don't have a voice. That what I say doesn't matter; that I'm powerless. This is a lie that has been cultivated over the years by many things, but I think the weight of it stems from my abuse. It's brought so much fear into my heart and has played a significant role in the lie of being worthless and of little value. I can't verbalize the fear that comes from "no" not meaning no, or "stop" not meaning stop. Even in jest, when it's meant to be funny or lighthearted. It makes me feel vulnerable, powerless, unsafe, unheard, out of control, and of no value or concern. This blog has been a way that God has helped restore the truth that I do have a voice. I was so hesitant to even consider starting it because I didn't think my thoughts or what I had to say mattered. But so many people have made such encouraging comments to me about it, and it surprises and blesses me every time. And the ironic thing is, because of my sexual abuse, a few days later my voice ended up saving the life of a little girl who was being physically sexually abused. God is good. I love that He can take terrible situations and produce such beauty in them - like help for the hopeless. Anyways, that's all I can say for now. There's a song that keeps coming to my mind the past couple of weeks. "Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns has always been one of my favorites, but it seems to have developed a new significance in my life. "The voice of truth tells me a different story. The voice of truth says do not be afraid. And the voice of truth says, "this is for my glory". Out of all the voices calling out to me, I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth" Abuse is abuse. I have a voice. The piece of paper in the picture above was given to me by a friend who had no idea what I have been struggling with. It's been a reminder for me over the past few weeks, and especially now, as I share a part of my story that's hard for me to share. I love seeing how God works so specifically through people, especially when they don't realize it :) (also, in case anyone was wondering, I would like to add the disclaimer that my sexual abuser was NOT any member of my family) Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in Onto the crashing waves To step out of my comfort zone To the realm of the unknown where Jesus is And He's holding out his hand But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed The waves they keep on telling me Time and time again, "Boy, you'll never win!" "You'll never win" But the voice of truth tells me a different story And the voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!" And the voice of truth says, "This is for My glory" Out of all the voices calling out to me I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth Oh what I would do to have The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant With just a Sling and a stone Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors Shaking in their armor Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed The giant keeps on telling me Time and time again, "Boy, you'll never win!" "You'll never win" But the voice of truth tells me a different story And the voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!" And the voice of truth says, "This is for My glory" Out of all the voices calling out to me (Calling out to me) I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth But the stone was just the right size To put the giant on the ground And the waves they don't seem so high From on top of them looking down I will soar with the wings of eagles When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus Singing over me But the voice of truth tells me a different story And the voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!" And the voice of truth says, "This is for My glory" Out of all the voices calling out to me I will choose to listen and believe I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth I will listen and believe I will listen and believe the voice of truth I will listen and believe Because Jesus you are the voice of truth And I will listen to you You are...
2 Comments
Miranda Tasker
11/12/2014 09:51:21 am
You are brave. Abuse is abuse no matter the type. You an inspiration. Many of us keep abuse hidden, thank you for sharing.
Reply
11/12/2014 10:03:15 am
Yes. Abuse is abuse and you have a voice. I love you Lisse <3
Reply
Leave a Reply. |
Details
Archives
November 2016
|