One night, 2-3 years ago, Madi and I were hanging out, just chilling at her house while her family was gone. She doesn't like staying at home at night when they're gone, so I was recruited to sleepover. The night started out with a hardcore dance party (as always) and just general shenanigans. Then somewhere around 2:00am we decided to have a Harry Potter marathon, and watch all (that were out at the time) of them in a row. All-nighter! We were super pumped about this idea. We decided that we should draw lightning bults on our foreheads with body paint in honor of Sir Harry Potter. Somehow that led to us painting all over each others stomachs . . . Like, ALL over our stomachs haha. So we started our spontaneous all-nighter Harry Potter marathon, all excited and ready to go! Aaaaand about 10 minutes into the first one, we were both asleep. I'm happy to say though, that 2-3 years later we were finally able to have our Harry Potter marathon. We had to watch the first 2 the night before and take a short sleeping break in between and finish the rest the next day cause Madi doesn't do marathons very well haha. But we did it! So proud of her.
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So, I really wanted to get a tattoo. Two, actually - one for each wrist. I've been praying about them since last July and have been trying to muster up the courage (and pain tolerance) to get them. My friend has also been wanting to get one, so we planned to get them next week, the Friday of Spring Break. As that date has drawn near, however, I've felt prompted against the idea (at least for now). Still not sure why, but I'm choosing to be obedient on this one. But I want to share with you what they were going to be. Though the purpose for them was to serve mainly as a personal reminder for me, I was really excited to share them with people. They both hold a significant amount of meaning to me in many different ways (hence, the reason I wanted to get them permanently tattooed on my body). Psalm 18:16-19 On my left wrist I wanted "Psalm 18:16-19" written plainly in white ink. I've mentioned this verse before, and the significance it holds in my life. 16 He reached down from heaven and rescued me; He drew me out of deep waters. 17 He delivered me from my powerful enemies, from those who hated me and were too strong for me. 18 They attacked me at a moment when I was weakest, but the Lord upheld me. 19 He led me to a place of safety; He rescued me because He delights in me. It's my life verse. It perfectly describes what God has done in my life, and it is very, very dear to my heart. It serves as a constant reminder of His grace, His love, His comfort, His faithfulness, and if there's ever any doubts, it's a reminder that He is very real, and has proved all of that to me. It's not about you. On my right wrist I wanted "It's not about you" written plainly in white ink. I've mentioned this phrase before as well . . . It's a phrase that God really laid on my heart last year. It serves as a reminder that, well, it's not about me haha. It's about God, and glorifying Him and obeying Him. And as a part of that, putting others before myself - not being selfish, but selfless. Now, why the wrists and why white ink? White ink because it's very subtle; it's not in-your-face. Also, white ink tattoos often look like scars. This is especially significant for the one on my left wrist (Psalm 18:16-19). It's a verse I hold so dearly because it's a reminder of how God saved my life; it's a reminder of how He rescued me from myself, depression, suicide, and countless demon encounters/attacks. All of those things left scars - beautiful scars, I think. To have that verse in the form of a "scar" on my wrist . . . it would just be beautiful to me. The wrists because it's a convenient location for reminders. You see them everyday, but it's not a spot necessarily in-your-face to others. But that's not it. Having "scars" on my wrists would be an everyday reminder of what Christ did on the cross for me. That in itself is significant enough, but it also ties into my other reasons perfectly. What He did on the cross is why I'm still here today (Psalm 18:16-19) and why I want to live for Him and serve Him (It's not about me). So much symbolism in just two tattoos!! Ah, I love it ^.^ I was pretty bummed when I felt God nudging me to wait (most likely indefinitely). I really wanted those constant reminders tattooed on my wrists. During the past 9 months I would often look at my wrists and imagine them there.
But God reminded me that I don't NEED them written on my wrists, because He's written them on my heart. They're tattooed on my heart. I realize that sounds AWFULly cheesy, but that's something I've often prayed for. There's a verse about hiding God's Word in your heart (Psalm 119:11) and another about writing His laws on our hearts (Hebrews 8:10). Often times I've heard the phrase "Write it on my heart" when people really want to remember something and want it impressed upon them. I took to saying "Tattoo it on my heart" because that, to me at least, is more meaningful. Writing fades; it's often erasable. But a tattoo . . . a tattoo is permanently there - it ain't going anywhere. You have to go to great lengths to get it removed. What I want tattooed on my wrists are things that God has tattooed on my heart. And though I'd love that outward representation of them, no matter what, they will forever be inked on my heart. It's time for another transparency post.
God has really been working on my heart recently and revealing to me some mindsets I've established that need to be broken down. I think I've mentioned this before, but in case I haven't, let me tell you: I grew up with a very worldly mindset of what relationships look like - which doesn't make sense, cause my parents set an amazing example for my sister & I (and they continue to do so to this day). But nonetheless, my observations and impressions of movies, middle school, and high school romances won out, and I wanted nothing to do with it. It always just seemed so needy and dependent, emphasizing the wrong things and just seemed so . . . cheap. God finally broke me of that mindset a couple years ago and has since been building up in me a new mindset and imagery of what a godly relationship looks like. Towards the beginning of this process He had placed someone on my heart purely for the sake of softening and growing it, only to remove him from that position a few months later (to which I was relieved haha). He continued on in softening my heart and doing some much needed revealing, healing, and growth. A year later He decided to place someone else on my heart, to which I'm still not sure if it's solely for growth or if He has other purposes in mind . . . an odd thing to think about haha. Here's where the other mindset that I've established comes into play. While God has rid me from the worldly relationship mindset, He's been revealing to me recently that I have this mindset that if someone is on your heart, it means you're supposed to view them a certain way. They are to be put on a pedestal in a way. I'm not entirely sure how to describe it, but it's almost as if they should be an idol. It felt like I was supposed to view him through rose-colored glasses and hold on tight, viewing him more as a potential future significant other than a friend. I wasn't okay with this. I don't want to look at someone and see "potential significant other". I want to look at someone and see "friend". Isn't that what a significant other/spouse is? I don't wanna go through life with a preconceived idea of what a significant other should be. I wanna go through life with my best friend (though not who I call my best friends now, since 2 of them are girls, and the other one I am in no way romantically interested in). It goes back to that worldly mindset of what a relationship was supposed to look like, and I was having none of it. So I started to ignore God's promptings. But then God was like, "Nope. I placed him on your heart for a reason. Your mindset is just skewed." So through some destubbornizing and obedience, He began to break down that mindset. What a relief! I could see my friend as a friend again. I hate it when the enemy twists things to keep you from what God has in store, but I think I especially hate it when it comes to friends/other sorts of relationships. Ain't no one got time for that! Since God has been so at work in my heart and mindset, I kinda want to hit on where He has me. Because, frankly, I think it's beautiful. And I can say that, cause again, it's all God at work in me. And I'm delighted that He has freed me from so many of these lies and mindsets. I have this negative association with the term "Liking someone". Whenever I hear it, my mind jumps back to middle school when I would so often hear that phrase thrown around so flippantly. Someone would "like" a new person every few months, weeks, or even days. I just never understood that. So now my mind associates "liking" someone as being cheap and worldly. Another mindset God is helping me work through. Goodness, am I a work in progress . . . In the interest of pushing past some more fears and lies, transparency, and being able to show how God has shaped & molded my stubborn little heart, let me tell you what it means for me to have someone placed on my heart: • It means I view him as a good friend, with a high amount of respect, admiration, and appreciation. • It means I'm challenged by him to be selfless, lean on God more, keep fighting, advance my ministry for Him, spend more time in prayer, and face my fears (as well as lies). • It means he's someone I feel I could submit to. • It means that I'm genuinely really looking forward to seeing who God pairs him with, whomever it may be. • It means that I pray that God will bless him with a crazy awesome girl who will greatly enrich his ministry and life, challenge him and spur him on in his faith, encourage and support him, respect him, and direct his heart closer to God. And that God will be shaping & molding her into the woman he needs, and for him to be shaped & molded into the man that she needs. • It means I want God's best for him. • It means I trust in God's plan and timing, whatever it may be and wherever it may lead. • It means I'm up for whatever adventure God has in store, and will do my darndest to be obedient in whatever He has planned. • And for the first time, it means that I feel God's stamp of approval if - if - anything were to be pursued. I feel like God has done a complete 180° in my heart these past few years. Probably cause He has . . . It's still crazy to me to see where He has taken me from; a stubborn, feisty, hurt, fearful little girl who wanted absolutely nothing to do with romantic-type relationships and was determined to remain single forever. And now He's brought me to where I am now; a stubborn, feisty, determined, strong lady (I use that word loosely) who has been healed beyond recognition and wants nothing more than to take on what God has planned for her. What? Never did I think I would ever be where I am now. Just goes to show how awesome our God is. Can I get an amen?! 1. I still wear footie pajamas and onesies a bunch, even in public. I have a total of 2 pairs of footies and 3 pairs of onesies, and the number will only increase with time. 2. I have Batman (and Mr. Freeze and Nightwing!) baby quilts on my bed that I found at a thrift store a few years ago. Didn't actually grow up with them . . . 3. I keep Candyland in my car so that it's always on hand to play. 4. I still sleep with a teddy bear. His name is Wallace. And no, he's not from my childhood either. I got him for Christmas 3 months ago. 5. I still listen to the Kim Possible theme song. And by listen, I mean play really loudly while singing and dancing around my house pretending that I'm super cool (same goes for The Naked Mole Rap). 6. My idea of partying hard on a Friday night is going to the playground and spinning on the merry-go-round and tire swing. 7. I derive great joy & entertainment from boxes that I can fit in. 8. I'll still randomly stick things up my nose. 9. I love riding around on shopping carts and causing shenanigans on them. 10. I use a tin Batman lunchbox for my foods. 11. I still (and will always) love watching Scooby Doo, Batman: The Animated Series, Wishbone, and The Magic School Bus (amongst others). 12. I pretend to be a superhero every chance that I get. Every time I fasten my belt in a bathroom stall I feel like a superhero suiting up (my belt is a modified seatbelt). When that thing clicks into place . . . it's go time. 13. I wear little boy shoes, sizes 3-4. 14. I get super giddy when it comes to merry-go-rounds. 15. I (still) have a giant inflatable duck that I like to sit in. I also keep it in my car, always at the ready. 16. It's not an uncommon thing for me to seriously pretend that I'm a secret agent. I get much joy from it. 17. On occasion, I get carried around via backpack. 18. I still find awesome stuffed animals at the store and feel the need to show my mum. 19. I've kept my stuffed mouse, Marvin, up my sleeve every week at Equippers class so that I can hold onto him if needed. 20. Let's be real . . . does this look like the face of a 21 year old? 21. I still very much enjoy the kiddie rides at the mall. And there you have it. Thus far I've been able to celebrate my 21st birthday by going to the playground with friends, going to Walmart, riding kiddie rides, and stuffing my face with bacon - and I wouldn't have it any other way ^.^ Though, if I didn't have food issues, I really would like to go to a bar and drink chocolate milk out of a sippy cup. Just for funsies. Super blessed by all the people in my life right now! It is abundantly clear that I am surrounded by awesome peeps, and I am super grateful for them (you)! So thank you :) This is not an isolated story. I realized that the majority of people in my life now have little to no knowledge of my past addiction. You may think that sounds funny considering that I'm talking about Mountain Dew, but I'm dead serious. I was legitimately addicted to Mountain Dew. Like, it was bad. I would go through withdrawal symptoms if I went too long without having it. Because of my increasing sensitivity to various foods, I had to give it up about 4 years ago, this Easter. Detoxing from it was AWFUL. But, my love for it continues, even though I can no longer partake in it. I have many wonderful memories surrounding Mountain Dew. When we went on our mission trip to Mexico we had to abstain from caffeine the month prior to leaving, and while we were on the trip as well, so we wouldn't get as easily dehydrated. 1 month. No Mountain Dew for 1 month. That was it. The day after we got back, I bought 16 liters of Mountain Dew. There have been more than one occasion where I would drink 2 liters at a time. Which may not sound like that big of a deal, but let's keep in mind that I'm TINY, and I have a high metabolism, and low blood sugar. Not my finest hours. Sooooo much time spent on giddy caffeine & sugar highs. My identity was very much wrapped up in Mountain Dew. I was known for it. I had Mountain Dew PJ's (2 different pairs), a Mountain Dew helmet, Mountain Dew matchbox race cars, Mountain Dew chapstick (4-5 different ones), I still have a Mountain Dew hat, shirt, and can/bottle collection, amongst other things I'm sure I'm forgetting. Everyone knew what to get me for my birthday - more Mountain Dew. My mini fridge was almost always full of it. I also had a theme song: Gimme Dat by KJ-52. While I'm glad that my identity is no longer solely based in Mountain Dew, and I don't have to deal with a legitimate addiction anymore, and I'm definitely a lot healthier now than I was then, there will always be a special place in my heart for that holy nectar of life <3
The other day, as I was at the bank depositing money, I noticed there was a penny on the ground. So, even though I was running late and had been doing everything I possibly could to get to my meeting on time, I stopped to pick up the penny. And I laughed at myself as I got in the car. I realized that, even though I was running late, I still stopped . . . just for a penny. Then I was like, "What if I always did that? What if I always just stopped what I was doing for something that seemed comparatively insignificant?" What would happen if I did that with people? What if I stopped what I was doing; stopped my routine, or got out of my busy little life, and just took time to reach out to people that I'm not naturally inclined to? Isn't that what God calls us to do? Reach out in love to EVERYONE. I remember a time several years ago (multiple times, actually) where I stopped in the middle of a crosswalk because there was a penny. I would stop in the middle of the road for a penny. Why is it so hard to do that with people? It reminds me of a scene in To Save A Life (excellent movie): "What would you do for $20? Would you French kiss a dog? How about this, would you take your mom to the prom? You know, we do all kinds of crazy things for 20 bucks, but what would you do for a penny? Would you take your mom to the prom now? French kiss that dog? See, the crazy thing is, we treat people the very same way. Some are worth our time and some we just pass right by like they're worthless." That's something that God has really been bringing to my attention. I'm so willing to do things for those I'm close to, but if it's for someone that I feel awkward around, or am just not close to, my heart is not nearly as willing. So that's something I'm going to work on. I'm going to work on doing things not just for the $20's, but for the pennies. Cause, really, Christ paid the same price for all of us. Matthew 25:45 What are you going to do for a penny this week?
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