I heard someone say last Tuesday that "hope is a life free of disappointment". And I was like, "well that's stupid . . ." I've been learning a lot about hope recently. Up until a smashing conversation with a bro of mine, I seemed to have pictured hope as more of wishful thinking. "Hope" and "wish" were interchangeable. But apparently that's not it. Hope is an expectation. Google's definition puts it this way : "A feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen". That being fresh on my mind, when I heard "hope is a life free of disappointment" I laughed because that's not how my brain works. Growing up I've developed a habit of not letting myself become excited for a lot of things, because in my experience, they don't usually happen : people flake out, they forget about you, they find something that sounds better, or circumstances just don't work out. I was tired of getting disappointed and hurt, so I just didn't allow much room for excitement until I knew that it would actually happen. I realized this last December. My sister, bro-in-law, and I were going to see The Hobbit. I was stupid excited for this because, well, it's The Hobbit. I've seen the LOTR trilogy beyond 50 times (extended edition, keep in mind), and I was well ready to watch more LOTR that I hadn't seen before. For whatever reason, I broke that habit for a night and was stupidly gitty excited. When we got there, it was sold out. I was majorly disappointed. But not so much that it was sold out, we decided to just watch it the next day or 2 instead. I was more disappointed that I allowed myself to become hopeful and excited about something before it happened. I felt incredibly foolish and let down, and I remember saying to my mum, "That's why I don't usually let myself get excited about something - because it usually doesn't work out and then there's all sorts of disappointment". Let's pause for a moment and realize how incredibly angsty I sounded. I didn't realize that until I typed it out. My apologies, people. Anyways, that's when God kinda revealed to me that pattern that I had developed. Which, let's be real, really isn't all that healthy. Then this whole subject of hope arose in my life, coming from various different places. Then God was like, "I'm going to give you a situation to have hope in so that you can grow in it". And that's why I'm writing this. Last week I went in to get Xrays on my legs to see if they were different lengths. If this was the case, then all that would be needed was an insert for one of my shoes to even them out, and some time & work to get them stable again - then I would be able to run, and hop, and skip, and jog, and exercise, and possibly even DANCE again. A little context for those who don't know about this aspect of my life: Due to an extremely easily misaligned pelvis, sacrum, and hips, accompanied with a twisted spine (and bad knees), I'm unable to do most physically active activities. Ballroom dancing and West Coast Swing are pretty much the only exception, and it's kinda pushing it at times. And admittedly, I'm not always that good about not doing things that I'm not supposed to do. Sometimes I like dancing around goofily in my kitchen - not hard - but it usually ends up in pain. What happens is that I'm pretty much always misaligned skeletally, but when I do those things, something gets stuck and it causes nerve pain to radiate through my lower back and down my legs. That happens by sleeping, let alone physical activity. Anyways. I was really excited about this, and God had softened my heart to allow myself to be excited about it. And for the first time in years, I had hope that I would be able to do physically active things again. I never thought I would be able to. I knew that it wasn't a 'for sure' that's what's happening, and that there was a chance of that not being the case and I would continue to live a non-physically active life, but I still chose to have hope in the situation - real hope. Not just wishful hope. With that God reminded me that even if He doesn't heal me physically now, or even while I'm breathing, He WILL restore me. He has promised me healing and restoration, I just don't know if it'll come on earth, or if I simply must wait 'til heaven. But either way, it's coming. It's gonna happen, peeps. "Hope is an extension of trust. Trust that God has a plan for your life; a plan full of His goodness & grace" So back to this whole "hope is a life free of disappointment". My hope had already been founded in Christ with salvation, but could I put my hope in Him when it comes to physical healing? Sounds silly because it's terribly small in comparison, but isn't that what we do so much of the time? Trust God with the really big stuff but try to take care of the smaller stuff cause that's something we feel like we can control? I feel like it happens a lot, for me at least. That's another thing He's been working on in me. ANYWAY. I decided to really put my hope in Him when it came to physical healing. And I got my Xray results back today (finally). My legs are even. It's not a simple fix - there's no sign of being physically active in the near future. "Hope is a life free of disappointment" How does that even make sense? Albeit, I took it quite calmly, I was disappointed at first. But then I realized I wasn't. I was excited. What? I was sad that I still wouldn't be able to do all those things that I so often dream about doing, but not disappointed. I got excited because God reminded me of the beautiful plan He has for me in my physically sedentary state. And even though there are definitely tears happening right now, and I have no idea what those plans may be, I'm looking forward to seeing what He has in store. I know it's a far better plan that what I can think up, and I trust Him in that. And I'm still holding on to that hope of His promise to heal me, whenever it may be. This is a song that is very dear to my heart. It's one of those songs that you can sincerely sing every line and mean each one. 'Tis one of my life songs. It's also one of the only songs that can evoke some sort of deep emotion from me other than crazy. "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them."
Romans 8:28
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