I have a lot of spider stories. I don't like spiders, btw. Mainly he big ones, which our house seems to only have. The little suckers always seem to tell when I'm alone. This time though is probably the longest spider encounter I had to endure - and probably the most comical, looking back on it.
It was late, somewhere between 11:40PM & 12:30AM. I was in my room, getting ready for bed, when I remembered that I had done my laundry earlier that day and my blankies were in the dryer (don't judge). I was also pretty hungry, as I always am at night. . . or ever, really. I left my room, walked down the hallway, and entered the kitchen when this HUGE spider pops out from under the shelf unit - right in between me and the laundry room door. At this point everyone in my house was asleep, so I didn't overdramatize things by yelling, but I definitely gasped/squeaked inside when I saw it. I had seen it earlier that day run under the shelf unit, and I guess just assumed that it was gone. It wasn't. It was standing right there, right in between me and my blankies. Naturally, this meant war. I flew back to my room, arming myself with my Nerf gun (which makes excellent spider killers). I then went into the living room and dawned my boots, just in case any stomping action was needed, and to maintain extra leg coverage. So there I stood at the edge of the kitchen: boots, bathrobe, and a Nerf gun, ready to kill this massive beast and save my blankies, and then celebrate with a feast of champions. Needless to say, it didn't work out that way. I fired the first shot and hit him, dead on. But it wouldn't DIE. I hit it again, and again. I swear the stupid thing was made out of titanium! And worst than that, I made it REALLY upset, and it CHARGED AT ME! I was not expecting this. I ran across the kitchen and hopped up onto the counter, and it followed me! This was no ordinary spider, folks. Normally the "big" spider we get around here have quarter sized bodies and some long legs to go with it. This thing was almost the size of my hand, I kid you not. And while I may not have the biggest hand, let's keep things in perspective here: spiders aren't supposed to be that big - especially ones in your house that are trying to KILL you. Anyways, so I'm up on that counter, right? And that thing is just waiting below for me. It ducked under the counter ledge so I couldn't see it anymore. . . which was WORST. I had no phone, my family was asleep, and my typical weapon of choice was useless against this beast. So I stood there on the counter. For like, 20-40 minutes. Helplessly calling out to my family to come save me. . . and no one came. Finally, out of pure desperation (I think I might have really needed to pee at that point. Let's be real, spiders that big scaring you & charging at you? It gets the bladder going), and somewhat frustration and really just wanting to go to bed, I did a flying leap of of the counter, flinging myself as far away from that wretched creature as possible, and I bolted out of the kitchen like The Flash. After I relieved myself, my stubbornness & gumption decided to make a baby named courage, and I bolted across the kitchen as fast as I could, flung the laundry room door open, left it open so that if the beast returned once more my cat would be able to get it, and I retrieved my blankies from the dryer. A true victory indeed. And then I went to bed hungry, because the stupid spider was still looming somewhere in the kitchen. I wrote a note, and I went to bed. The next morning I awoke, went to the bathroom, and then grudgingly went out to the kitchen, where my dad (Ada) was. I asked him without much hope if he happened to have seen the spider, and to my surprise he said yes, and he had killed it. HUZZAH!!! One of the best parts of all this? The day before, when I told my mum how big it was, she didn't believe me. She thought I was exaggerating. The next morning, after Ada had killed it, apparently she had seen it before he flushed it. She told me that she didn't think it was a spider at first because it was so large - even when shriveled up (which, btw, is one of the most annoying things about spiders. They look so tiny . . right after you're freaking out about how big they were. They definitely have the last laugh. . .), and then she realized that I wasn't exaggerating and it really was that freakin' big. Ha! Win. And that, my friends, is my story. All of which is true.
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