Today I spent about 1-2 hours doing something I absolutely love.I got rid of stuff. I went through my closet, my dresser, the shoe bench (where we keep most of our shoes), the coat rack, and the entryway closet, tearing through all of my clothes and getting rid of bunches of them (2 garbage bags full today, 3 total) - some long overdue. I'm noticing something about myself :
1) I have an unnatural love for getting rid of things, and 2) The more I grow in my relationship with Christ, the easier it is for me to let go of things. Some of the shirts I got rid of today were ones that I should have gotten rid of a long time ago. Though I haven't grown since I got them (except for some pudge in the middle), I've outgrown them. My torso is long, and while I used to just wear cami's underneath them to make up for it, even that just wasn't flying anymore. And it hasn't been flying for quite some time. The reason I've held on to some of them for so long? It sounds silly, and quite honestly, that's because it is. But my identity was wrapped up in them. I was known for wearing some of these shirts. They reflected a lot of who I was/wanted to be. They were unique - just like me. And while part of the reason I didn't want to part with them is because they were just super awesome, I think deep, deep down I felt like if I got rid of them, I would be getting rid of some of my uniqueness. How silly is that? The thing is though, I feel like we do that sort of thing a lot. That's something that God has really been at work on in my heart recently. Only not with clothing, but with dancing. In April I went to see a free production that a local church put on (which was super awesome, btw). In it there was dancing - and a good heap of it. One particular dance/song really stood out to me, and honestly, it was really hard to watch. It was the kind of dancing that I used to be able to do (and LOVED), and the song (Say Something) is one of those songs that just hits something deep inside, urging you to dance. I hate those songs. I burst into tears on my way home. I always miss freestyle dancing, but it was hitting hard that night. I ended up driving for a little while in the country, just talking with God. There's something about driving at night and talking with Him that I just love. I ended up on a back gravel road, turned my car off, and just star gazed for a while, thanking God for all that He is and has done in my life. I may not be able to dance freestyle anymore, but He's still very much alive and at work in my life. He reminded me that, even though it's extremely hard at times, He's working through it. It had been more difficult than usual after that, not being able to dance freestyle. If someone even sang Say Something, my eyes started to spring a leak. But last Saturday something changed - and it was weird. But a good kind of weird. Last weekend we had a professional WCS dancer come to our school for a bunch of workshops (which I missed) and two dances on Friday and Saturday night. On my way over to the dance on Saturday night I felt the all-to-familiar feeling of the enemy hitting me. Partially because it was dancing and the enemy has a thing about that apparently, and partially cause I was going off of 4 hours of sleep (that includes a 2 hours nap). Either way, I was pretty drained for a lot of the evening - though that didn't stop me from enjoying myself. Not only is it my only outlet for dancing, but the people there are just great. I love em'. Towards the end of the dance I ended up just sitting in a chair watching for a while. I watched some of the follows do their thing on the dance floor and remembered how I used to be able to dance like them. As I watched, I wondered if I should even be there anymore. I wondered if I should even keep West Coasting at all. I've come to a place where I'm determined to improve and be as good as I used to be, even considering lessons (which, for me, is a big deal). But at the same time, I feel somewhat defeated, as though maybe it's just time to stop all together. A few weeks ago I had a really bad stint with my pelvis, hips, and sacrum. They got misaligned further than usual and were causing an excruciating amount of pain - worst than it's been in a long time. Long story short, it lasted almost a week, and about three days worth of it I had to spend laying down. Since then, I've been a lot more stiff, and it's been more & more apparent how much weaker I am now compared to a few years ago. I'm super out of shape, and there really isn't much I can do about it. That's frustrating for me. That's frustrating for a dancer. And so I wondered, maybe this just isn't where I'm supposed to be anymore. Maybe its just run its course, and I need to just accept it and step away from dancing altogether. And for the first time, I was willing to step away from dancing altogether if that was God's will for me. I would miss the people dearly - they're a big part of why I've kept going, and the main reason I felt like I was supposed to be there. But if it was time, then I would be obedient and trust that God had something planned in that. I kept praying over it and talking with Him about it when I got home that night (well, morning, really), trying to figure out what He wanted me to do. And then something happened. Something that I just love. That moment when God speaks so clearly to you that there's no denying that it's Him, even though it's not audible. I love those moments, when you're actually willing to hear what He has to say. "You're a dancer; I made you one for a purpose. But you're more than just a dancer." Oh, be still, my heart! To hear God call me a dancer . . . I'm my worst critic when it comes to dancing. Not only do I seem to remember only my mistakes and fumblings, but I compare my dancing now to what I used to do, back when my legs were strong, I had a 2-pack, and I was able to physically work hard at it. I realized shortly after that I had been holding onto dancing like I was holding onto my old shirts. Not that I outgrew dancing - I don't think that will ever be possible. But for so long I was trying to prove to myself that I was a dancer when I didn't need to. So much so that at times I would base my identity in that alone. And though that was mostly years ago, I've still held on to trying to prove that to myself, and wanting others to see the dancer in me. Like my old shirts, I wanted dancing to reflect who I was. In a way, I wanted to be defined by it. To hear God say "You're a dancer", that feeling of needing to prove to myself that I was a dancer was gone. I felt validated - in more than one way. "I made you one for a purpose" validated me in continuing on dancing WCS. It was the equivalent of Him saying "You're where you need to be, don't stop now", which is what I needed. But not only that, to hear Him say "but you're more than just a dancer" . . . that was such a freeing statement. It was a reminder that, though I'm a dancer and that's very much a part of me, my identity is not in dancing. God gave me a gift and love for dancing, but He created me for more than that which I love and am passionate about. He uses that gift and love that He gave me for His purposes - to reach out to others and to glorify Him. I can't even tell you how much I love that! Whenever I think back to those words, I get all sorts of elated ^.^ I love seeing God's growth in my life. And I love that I'm becoming more & more of who He created me to be by letting go of this old stuff and more fully taking on my true identity in Him. Ah, it just makes my heart happy!
1 Comment
Vince
5/9/2014 11:52:13 pm
I am super glad that God affirmed dance as a part of your life. I would be sad if you left the dance community. I truly enjoy dancing with you.
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