Usually I'm not much for selfies. Unless it's humorous, there's a story to tell, or there's a memory with a friend to be made, I try to avoid them. But I have a new purpose for one today.
I'm feeling good about myself. Not how I look (although it is a good day for that too), but how I feel. I'm having one of those "open eyes" days. The days where your eyes are finally open to see the big picture around you. Last night I asked my husband if I should have more drive in life; more purpose. I keep seeing these women who have careers and aspirations, or have passions with a plan. I have my passions, and I have my strengths, but I always seem to find myself feeling stuck. I have no idea where I'm going. I'm at a loss as to what I'm supposed to use these gifts and passions for. I have all sorts of ideas at times, but I can never seem to retain the feeling or belief that I could actually achieve them. My husband has been nothing but supportive and encouraging, but this is not a matter of simple support. This is intentional stifling from the enemy. I've finally realized that. So...now what? A selfie? I realize that's not going to do much. But it's a reminder to me that I'm able. I'm capable. Why is that? Because for years I looked in the mirror and saw nothing but fear, disapproval, and a figurative veil over my face. But more and more lately when I look in the mirror I see a deep rooted beauty that has nothing to do with my hair. I don't see a scared little girl trying to hide. I see a young woman with fire and strength. Anxiety, insecurities, lies, and hurt still exist, but I'm deciding not to be defined inwardly by them anymore. Posting a photo of what I see is like slapping the enemy in the face and declaring "no". It may sound kinda silly, but I don't really care. I'm tired of feeling unable. And more so, I'm tired of not doing anything about it. So here's my public declaration of putting an end to it. I'll probably wake up tomorrow less motivated and less certain than I am now, but I won't let the fear of that keep me from enjoying this sweet freedom and determination right now. I can do things. I can strive. And though I may fail, I can also succeed. This post is not one of boasting - I wish I could convey how humbling it is to write it. It's a post publicly showing the enemy that I'm not going to take his crap laying down anymore. I'm excited to see where this will go. I am able.
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November 2016
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