This blog is about being real, so here's this :
I struggle with the lie that I'm not worth it. It's probably the biggest lie that I deal with, and quite honestly, it irritates me, because I know that it's a lie, but for some reason it just keeps coming back. There are a few reasons that I've uncovered as to why I struggle with it, but the one that hit me tonight was because of the little things that I deal with. I'll be the first to tell you that I'm very blessed and have it much, much better than most people. But I have my issues. Tale as old as time, I have Celiac Disease and am intolerant to gluten, casein, and soy; because of the damage that was caused in my gut I'm also unable to eat nightshades, sugar, sugar substitutes, caffeine, beef, pork, nuts, eggs, and rice; I have low blood sugar; I have rotational scoliosis in my lower back (my spine twists); my pelvis, sacrum, and hips are misaligned; I'm not supposed to do any physical activities because of my skeletal issues; I have very poor circulation in my hands and feet; sleep apnea; bad pollen allergies; fatigue; the list continues, but it really doesn't matter. You get the idea. How do those little things equal up to not being worth it? They shouldn't. They really shouldn't. But they do at times, because here's what I hear in my head : You can't do anything, who would want that? Who is going to want to put up with that? They'll think it's all in your head. You're not worth giving up food for - it's been implied multiple times. You're a burden because of it all. It's a darn good thing I'm so content in my singleness, or else I'd be a hot mess. All of those little white lies add up to the big lie that I'm not worth it. It's an underlying lie on most days, but sometimes, it gets provoked, and it just kinda smacks me in the face. But then there's this : Through the shouts of the enemy feeding me these lies of worthlessness, I'm quietly reminded of God's truths : I don't need to be able to eat or be around "regular" food in order to encourage someone. I don't need good circulation in my hands or feet to bless someone. I don't need to be rid of anxiety to make someone smile. I don't need an aligned skeleton to lift someone up. I don't need to be pain free to be there for someone. I don't need to be physically active in order to speak truth. I have everything I need and so much more to be able to reach out to & love on people. There's so much value & worth in that. Worth doesn't come from other people. Let's be real, not everyone is going to see your worth. That doesn't mean it's not there. Seriously, if we based our worth on others and what they thought, we'd be screwed. As I laid curled up on my bed, face full of blankies and stuffed mouse in hand, I released it over to God and asked Him to take care of it cause I was too tired to deal with it anymore. And as always, He delivered : 1) I was covered with peace & comfort 2) The lies were silenced 3) (I love it when He does this!) He spoke His truth over me "Others may see you as unable to do things, but the man I have for you will not. He will take care of you and provide for you as needed, as you will do for him. Others may see you as weak, but the man I have for you will see the strength that you have - the strength that matters. You're worth something special" Love it! He knows what He is doing, and my confidence is firmly rooted in Him and whatever crazy adventure He has planned. Didn't think that sort of thing would ever get shared on here, but what the heck. This Christmas break is all about deep healing and fear facing for me. Being vulnerable? Think I sound crazy? I don't really care, bro ^.^
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