Pride. Let's be real, we all struggle with it - we just don't want to admit it, because we're too proud to. Well, I can't take much more of this... I'm super struggling with pride at the moment. Actually, not just at this moment, but for pretty much forever, it's just decided to increase. I don't even know what I'm taking pride in. Life's just been going well, and I'm in control, right? Psh. Cause that's something to take pride in - "taking control", basically telling God through that that He clearly doesn't know what's best for you, and you can do His job better. Pride is just half of what's been getting the better of me lately. Control. Being in control. When I fall, being sure that I pick myself back up; being the one to fix my mistakes. Now there's nothing wrong with that. It can be quite healthy. But I'm taking it to the level of, "No God, you can't fix this, I need to".Which, I feel like goes hand-in-hand with pride. Being in control of something because you CAN; you're good/strong enough to be in control & take charge. You got this.
Except, you don't. Here's the fun part: often times we don't really realize how dangerous & damaging pride really is - or at least I don't. It blinds us. Blinds us to the fact that we are, in fact, prideful. Blinds us to the fact that we're hardening our hearts and distancing ourselves from God. Blinds us from truth. Here's what I did: I woke up this morning scrambling to be in God's presence,, trying to surrender myself to Him; continued to try and take control to fix things, all the while hearing His reminders that that;s not my job & I can't redeem myself on my own. I kept reminding myself to just release it to Him, and things progressively got better. But it wasn't until I was vacuuming the store later this morning that it really took off. I discovered a lie of not being able to powerfully pray for myself because I wasn't good enough to fix things myself. Psh. And I was able to straight up admit to myself and to God, who clearly already knew it, that I struggle with pride, and I was able to solidify it in my heart that it was true. I never wanted to think it was. I took pride in the fact that I wasn't prideful. Let's just talk about how stupid that is. It's stupid. I was basing things off of my worldly identity, and who I was perceived as. God gave me this wonderful image after that: Rafiki standing on the edge of Pride Rock, holding up Simba, Mufasa(the king)'s son, high in the air for all to see. It was a lovely reminder that I often subconsciously sit on my own little pride rock, lifting up myself & my accomplishments or whatever it may be, for all to see - but I shouldn't. Like Scar, I have no business trying to take control of things. Everything good/skillful that I have is from God. I should take pride in no one BUT Him, lifting Him, the Son, high for all to see from Pride Rock.
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Well, when people think that I'm 12-14 I can now tell them that I'm 20. Woot! In celebration of my 20th birthday (two days ago), I decided to reflect on and share some of the wisdom that I've acquired over these past two decades. I hope you can glean something from them. 1. When you're having a conversation with yourself/God - especially one that is..... expressive, and/or animated - be sure to take note of your surroundings, and the fact that people can see through windows. 2. When shooting a large spider with your Nerf gun, be sure to take into account that those things ricochet like crazy. 3. If you write/draw motivational things on your stomach for your sisters during finals week, or the Deathly Hallows symbol on your belly button, remember to use washable marker. 4. Don't wear red sweatpants around roosters. They will be threatened, and they will attack you. And kicking doesn't always help. 5. If you're planning on wetting yourself, be sure to wear animal print pants. Best camouflage in the world for that situation. 6. If you watch the Transformers trilogy, or even more so, any of the Fast & Furious movies, and then need to drive somewhere, remember that you are most likely not a hardcore awesome street racer. Especially if you're driving your mum's mini van.... 7. If some dude from Pakistan (whom you've never met) calls you his beautiful rose flower, just ignore him. He'll go away eventually. Eventually being the key word there.... 8. If you dress up as someone of the opposite gender and then go in a public place, make sure you avoid contact with younger children, because they will start crying. And it's really awkward. 9. If you plant birdseed, a bird will not grow from the ground. 10. If you wrap yourself up in a blanket or sweatshirt, pretending you're wearing a straight jacket, be sure that your hands aren't on your stomach in a fist position. Because if you trip, it's the equivalent of getting punched in the stomach. And it hurts. 11. You can prevent your ears from popping if you gargle. 12. If you go into the bowl at the skate park, make sure you have two friends with you: one in the bowl to help push you out, and one outside the bowl to help pull you out. Actually, if you're short, just don't go into the bowl. It's somewhat humiliating. 13. If you're dancing with someone (more specifically, following), always maintain control of your limbs. It doesn't sound like it, but it is possible while West Coasting to punch, slap, jab, backhand, or body slam your lead. 14. If you want to make birds go CRAZY, imitate a kookaburra. And then duck down quickly. 15. When describing what "Twitterpated" means, don't describe it as that scene from Bambi where the animals are in heat. It gives the wrong impression of the situation at hand. 16. If you're sick and really need to vomit, but for whatever reason just can't, think of Twilight. It legitimately works. 17. Even though a marker may say "Washable", when applied to the face - more specifically the upper lip & chin region - it isn't all that easy to wash off, and may require you, and possibly your father, to scrub relentlessly until it comes off. 18. Make sure you know what the big word you're using is before you use it. 19. When getting a shot, and being fearful of doing so, remember that Batman isn't afraid of getting a shot. It really does help. So does saying, "I'm Batman" in a deep voice. Your nurse might look at you weird though. Just ignore that. Batman does. 20. If you're one to wear boxers, and you're late for something & just plan on bringing your stuff with you to get ready in the car, DON'T FORGET YOUR PANTS. Keep these things in mind, and you'll be solid.
So, I've been watching dance movies all day (don't judge), and then I remembered that it's Thursday, which means I needed to write a TBT post. Naturally, due to what I've been watching, my mind went straight to dancing. Lots of people that I know now know that I dance ballroom and West Coast Swing (which is the best, btw). But I used to dance long before that (and by dancing, I don't mean that gross inappropriate crap). I don't remember exactly when I started, though I know it was some time in Middle School. I danced a mixture of hip-hop, ballet, and modern, and I was learning how to breakdance (though let's be real, that part I really wasn't good at... I lacked the strength). Never took any classes, just kinda started in my living room one day cause I thought it was fun, and it quickly became my passion. Whenever my family was gone or asleep, I was in the living room dancing. Even if that meant it being 1:00am or 6:00am. Unfortunately, because of this, I developed rotational scoliosis in my lower back (my spine twists) and a LOT of other physical issues, and eventually had to stop dancing all together for a while. I got to the point where I had to wear two ankle braces, two knee braces, back braces, one wrist brace (though I needed two), and a neck brace when I danced. Kind of absurd. That's also why I wear one of my sweatpant legs rolled up. I don't really know how to explain it, but it really helps - especially when it comes to gracefulness & technique. I've gotten so much crap for that, it kinda hurts. Most people don't understand and think it's stupid. But it just kinda stuck with me, and I like it ^.^ Probably one of my favoritest throwback moments ever, even though it's bunches of them rolled into one, I don't care. I had tons of routines (that I still remember if the song comes on), oodles of joy, and a way to escape the depression I had at that time. I developed diligence, perseverance, and stamina. And I found some confidence in myself. Also, I gained a two-pack. Pretty much the Hulk up in here. Here's the thing: I hate talking about my previous dancing. Like, I love it, but I hate it. I found out today (and a wee bit last week) that there are a lot of lies that surround that. Lies of insecurity; lies of stupidity; lies of judgement, lies of not being good enough. I never wanted to call myself a dancer, or say that I danced because I felt like people would just think I was being silly and fooling around - that's what I got from some of the few that I told. It wasn't silly to me; I was passionate about it. And though dancing is my passion, I still never even wanted to say that. I always picture my friends non-verbal judgement of me faking it; it's not really my passion, I'm just being dumb. And with that the fear of thinking I'm good at it, but really just sucking. That has always been one of my biggest fears, not just with dancing. As silly as it sounds, I still need God's reminder that these criticisms & judgments (that may not even be real, but just plantings from the enemy) DO NOT define me. What other people think about who I am doesn't actually matter. If they think I wasn't serious about dancing and was just being silly & dumb, dancing around my living room for funsies (which was a huge fear for some reason), then they would be straight up wrong. And that's okay. Why was that such a big deal? Silly little insecurities, God's truth is bigger! A very small few of the songs that I used to dance to. Oh, the memories...
So, cool little story. I messed up today, and didn't make the effort to reach out to someone - in fact, I did pretty much the opposite. And my attitude in general towards this person just hasn't been great. As I was telling God this and apologizing to Him for not doing what I should have (as I often do), something different happened. I let it go. I acknowledged the suck of my actions, and processed with God how I can respond next time, and I moved on. I didn't dwell on how stupid it was, nor did I condemn myself for not doing what was right. And, the big thing was, I didn't feel guilty about moving forward. Let's just put this in perspective for a second. I'm really hard on myself most of the time. That's something I've always struggled with and a way that the enemies little lies always seem to encroach on me. I feel like even if I can acknowledge the wrong doing & how to respond in the future, if I let it go quickly, I'm being inconsiderate & heartless; not caring about how it affected someone. Many other lies seem to attach themselves there as well, but you get the picture. But not tonight. Tonight, instead of guilt, I felt a renewal of joy & excitement to respond better in the future. Plus I actually listened to God when He affirmed me in something right that I did. I moved on with the assurance that God's grace is enough, and what's in the past is in the past; I'm forgiven. And He still adores me. I love this guy! This song played at just the right moment of God & I's conversation. I love it when He does that ^.^
Last night I discovered, what I'm sure is to be, my favorite method of exercising. You start by walking some distance, then you go up & down stairs a fair bit, followed by some good neck muscle strengthening, then you work on your biceps by moving them up & down, work out your legs and calves by doing some hops, then to cool down you do the stair thing again, and end it all by walking again. All of which is to be done to awesome music. Some people may describe this as going to a concert, sitting in the nose-bleed section, head banging a bunch, and fist pumping with fury. But I like to look at it from a more productive view. This was my first big concert (Bebo Norman came to my church once and I caught the last bit of it after work), and oh my goodness, it was a BLAST! I got to go with a small group of some of my guys friends, and we were able to meet up with some neat-o ladies from our college group when we got there. I loved every second of it. God's presence was overwhelming. There was, dancing, there was head banging, there was fist pumping, there were tears, there was laughter, there was a huge, stupid grin plastered on my face for most of the night, and all in the name of worship. How cool is it that God wants to have fun & party praise it up with us? Other than spending time getting cray & worshiping God with 11,500 other people, I got to see one of my favoritest bands ever! FAMILY FORCE 5!!! =D Huzzah!! I'm not sure my excitement about this can be put into words. I'm really glad I was sitting between people who appreciated them as much as I did & weren't afraid to dance and be cray with me! Also, God put a singer on my heart to be praying for, and I was able to give him a note that told him that. All in all, it was a wonderfully fantastic night. Feeling blessed :)
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