I wish I could say that this post is about how I've come to thrive after breaking free from the bondages of sexual abuse. But, the truth is, I feel like I'm back to square one again. I feel stuck - hiding and ignoring. I don't want to touch my book on the subject (On The Threshold of Hope), I want to keep myself busy and not have to deal with it - and that's pretty much what I've been doing. The holiday season has been good for that, what with being sick, last minute gifts, Christmas day preparations, and holiday hours at work. I've been able to distract myself more than usual, and its been great. But the holiday season is over now, and I'm finding myself with more reminders and time to think about things - things that I don't want to think about. You see, sometimes it's much easier to just ignore something so that you don't have to deal with and suffer through it. I think we can all acknowledge that we've done that in some form or another. It's like confronting people. Or unshaved legs. Just keep covering 'em up and you don't have to worry about them. But here's the thing about that : while it may work for a while (and a good long while at that), it robs me of the chance to really live. There's a whole world of opportunity for growth and maturity and wisdom and strength and vulnerability and trust to be gained if I just faced some of these things that I'm hiding from. By hiding, I'm only surviving - not thriving. I want to thrive. I want to live - REALLY live - a life of freedom. That has been one of the casualties of this whole backsliding situation : freedom. By hiding, I hinder the healing process, and, therefore, the results of that healing. In this case, the feeling of freedom. For Christmas my sister got me this awesome shirt that reads, "Free to be" in big black letters on the front of it. I love it. I washed it and hung it up to dry that very same day, eagerly awaiting when I could finally wear it. I decided to wear it to work the next day. But when the time came to change and go to work, I couldn't bring myself to wear it. The thought of doing so terrified me and made me anxious. I didn't feel like I could wear a shirt that read "Free to be" when I didn't feel like I was free to be. I felt like wearing that shirt would have been one big fat lie. It frustrated me because, logically, I knew it was just a shirt. I changed back into it multiple times for that very reason, but I just couldn't bring myself to wear it. I was nearly late for work because of it. I was able to muster up the courage to wear it the next day, though with not much confidence. I asked God why that was - why did I feel like I wasn't free to be? I know I am. I know that I've been set free from the bondages of sexual abuse and that it has no authority over me anymore. And yet I still don't feel free to be anymore. This is what I've discovered : I feel like if I accept the truth that I am free, then it will get snatched away from me. It's like being lulled into a false sense of security. And really, I think a lot of it boils down to trust.
I need to latch onto God's character and trust that His truth is the truth. He has set me free. Free to be who He has created me to be. And that's not someone who lives in and hides out of fear. (BOOM! 2 Timothy 1:7, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." I think I will forever think of that verse whenever I watch this part in The Jungle Book now . . .) He really is good. And faithful. Once again, He has given me something - a visual reminder - of my freedom in Him from sexual abuse and all of the fears and lies that go with it.
I really hate this. I don't want to miss out on what He has for me today, tomorrow, this week, all because I'm unable to deal with things. This is how it seems to go : I go through moments of being accepting of things and it's completely fine - full of peace and comfort, with no fears in sight. Then something happens and I feel like a little girl - scared of my surroundings, anxiety, and full of unsettling fear. Then I seem to overcome that by shutting things up again - hardening myself so that I don't feel anxious, scared, or vulnerable anymore. And while that last one may be a natural reaction, it's not the one God would want me to have. I'm re-learning that sometimes, in order to allow God to do His awesome healing, you need to put yourself back in a place where you can accept it. Which really sucks sometimes when it means tearing down the barriers you've created in order to feel safe. Haven't I sung this song before? It reminds me of the broken bone analogy (which I happen to love) : Sometimes, you need to break a bone in order for it to heal right. So true. We build up these securities to help us "heal" when, really, we're just playing doctor. Hiding and denying is my coping mechanism without Christ. And without Him and the abundance of strength, peace, and courage that He supplies, how am I ever to thrive? How am I to truly be free?
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